By Jeremy Southern, ex-executive creative director and current freelance creative/copywriter.
Did someone say dream job?
Well it wasn’t us.
This gig is writing EDMs. That’s pretty much it. From dawn till dusk.
If we’re honest, it’s super fucking dull. That’s why we don’t want to do it.
So if you’re a motivated self-starter looking to take the next exciting step in your career, then this isn’t for you.
Similarly, if you are a results-focused, challenge-driven go-getter who wants to propel our highly functional team to new levels of productivity, then you’re shit outta luck.
This is just a job. Not a career, not a calling, not a once in a lifetime ride. Just a job.
We don’t require you to be passionately interested in EDMs or to live and breathe them. That’s just sad. All we need is for someone to do ‘em. On time and with no typos.
First up, we’re NOT:
– at the forefront of anything.
– growing incredibly rapidly.
– A fast-paced, dynamic agency environment, with a supportive, values driven team.
– Interested in a deeper level of thinking that extends beyond the brief, asking questions that challenge existing suppositions and reframe the opportunity.
– Of the mindset that we exist solely to promote our clients’ business.
– A wonderfully diverse, ever-curious culture.
– A global team of remarkable, innovative and collaborative people.
But we are:
– A nice group of intelligent people who do a good job and get along with each other.
WHAT WE’RE LOOKING FOR:
A copywriter with moderately good writing skills. That’s it. No ninjas, unicorns or any of that other recruitment psychobabble.
You don’t need to have a ‘proven history’ of anything.
Nor do you need to be a “new breed” of copywriter. The old breed is just fine.
You don’t need references from people telling us that you are ‘a once-in-a-generation talent, or a modern-day Shakespeare. If that’s true, then what the hell are you doing here?
We just want someone who will do a good job, and then go home and forget all about it. Like we do.
Honestly, this job would probably suit a slightly disinterested person who just needs money to pay the bills.
WHAT YOU’LL GET IN RETURN:
Money. But not much. It is only edms, after all.
You’re not a copywriting chameleon on a continual quest for truth. You don’t attain a state of Zen through the construction of well-crafted sentences. You just write nice copy. Not human-centred copy, not copy that communes with the soul of consumers, just copy.
You are sufficiently motivated by money to turn up on time and do your eight hours every day.
We know that this won’t define your career for decades to come. In fact you’ll probably be over it in six months. The last guy was. That’s fine.
If you are the type of person that feels job posts have become absurdly self-important, ridiculously hyperbolic and, quite frankly, downright arrogant, then we’d love to hear from you.
Surely there must be some of you out there?
As this is a rather dull job, please don’t waste your time trying to “wow” us with your creativity.
Don’t spend hours crafting an earnest and wordy cover letter telling us why this is the perfect job for you. This isn’t the perfect job for anyone. We know that. It’s just work.
Don’t attach a video. It won’t give you an “edge.”
And please don’t tell us about your interests and activities outside work. That is your private life and we believe it is none of our damn business.
We don’t know if we are an equal opportunities employer. We just hire people we like who we think can do the job. The way it’s always been done. Sue us.
Please also note:
This is not a real job ad. It is me venting my frustration at the ridiculous ads I see out there on job search sites.
Jeremy Southern is a Sydney-based writer looking for copywriting/conceptualising work. He’ll even do edms. It’s just that he won’t love them.